When Should You Tell Your Child About Sex?

On our way home from church one Sunday, my five-year-old son asks, "Mommy do babies come from mommies and daddies or God?"

I quickly hid my disbelief and responded, "They come from their mommies and daddies and God."

"No Mom, I really want to know!", my son pled.

"For real.  Mommies and daddies get married and then they love each other and then God takes one half of mom and one half of dad to make a perfect little baby like you and your sister."

Frustrated, my son took a deep breath, clapped his hands to his head, and sighed, "Mooooom! I want to know the nasty stuff."

I wish you could have seen my eyes as they popped out of my head.  What on earth is this child talking about?  How much does he know?  Who told him!?! And, what did they say?  He's in kindergarten, what are other parents teaching their kids?

My daughter started to laugh.  She said, "You are too young to know the nasty stuff Nate.  Just be happy with mom's answer for now.  You will learn when you get older."

O.K.  I started to breath again and realized my daughter might have something to do with this inquisition, that little stinker.  

"Nate, there isn't any 'nasty stuff'.  My answer is the truth, but I am not giving you details right now.  I'll tell you more when you get older."

"When?"

"Ariana, how old were you when we talked?"

"Eight", Ariana said matter-of-factly.

"When you are eight", I told Nate.

"That's too oooollllddd - ah."  Everything ends in an 'ah' when he's stressing his point.

"Fine, when your seven", I responded.

"When I'm six."

"Six and a half."

"O.K.", he said.  And with that the matter was settled. 

Then he said, "I'm five and a half right now."  In fact he was five and two months.  I  he doesn't try to renegotiate his birds-and-the-bees talk on his sixth birthday.  I am just recovering from my mild heart attack this little conversation caused.

I guess well cross that hurdle later.  But for now, I'm trying to figure out what was the 'nasty stuff' I told my daughter.  

Life is never dull with these kids.

My Louisville Slugger Learns Sex Discrimination Lesson in Little League!

Who could have guessed a seemingly happy and innocent past-time like little league baseball would turn into a lesson of civil and women rights!  What a lesson for my eight-year-old daughter to learn. 

When I signed my daughter up to play baseball I expected her to learn team work, accountability, and responsibility.  I also expected her confidence to increase as she learned how to play and continue to advance in the game.  I was unprepared for the discrimination she would face because she is a girl playing little league baseball with little boys.  What do these second and third-graders know about gender discrimination?

I can hear you now asking why I didn't expect the little boys to tease her because she's a girl.  The truth is up until now her gender has never been a problem.  I just assumed that times were changing and much of the ignorance of my generation and my parent's generation had gone by the wayside.

I remember my first run in with race discrimination.  In kindergarten a little boy told me he could go ahead of me in the big wheel line because I was a "*igger".  That was the first time I recall being exposed to that horribly hateful word and even though I didn't understand what it meant at the time, I knew by the context it wasn't a term of endearment.

A generation later, my little brother (14 years my junior) had his first racist encounter in the first grade.  A little boy told him that the other kids couldn't play with him because he was African-American.  Even though the name was more politically correct, being singled out because of how God made you still cuts deep. 

I remember being angry because of my brother's hurt.  I also thought how peculiar that the little racist boy was of Asian decent (not white).   I reserve this statement as a topic of an entirely different conversation.

Turning back to my daughter. 

I dreaded the day my children would come to me crying because the other little kids made fun of their skin color or their hair.  And yet, because of my own experiences, I have been waiting and expecting it.  But ... my daughter has successfully maneuvered through a predominately white preschool, into elementary school and up to the third grade with no such occurrence.  Hence, I believe that the generations are changing.

My daughter is a girl.  She likes being a girl.  I love that she's a girl.  And, nothing is going to change that.  She also likes baseball and so far loves playing with the boys.  And, I am so happy to say that she can hold her own on the baseball field. 

This past spring, my little slugger inspired a revolution of sorts in her little league.  While she was the first girl on her team, by the end of the season her team had more girls than boys. Ari was even asked to play in a post-season tournament.  The only girl on that team, I might add.

Unfortunately, all the girls on Ari's team also had to learn a valuable lesson about sexism and bullying.   One little boy decided to ridicule all the girls.  He would say "girls can't play baseball",  "you're suppose to play softball", and "you suck".  During practice, when the adults were looking the other direction, he threw baseballs at the girls' heads.  Yes, at their heads.

While I can generally be level headed in most situations, I had an instant flashback to fifteen hours of labor and the first time my daughter and I met face to face.  Every instinct inside of me wanted to tear this juvenile delinquent apart.  How dare he try to break my baby?  Momma Vesuvius almost erupted on this second-grader ... but cooler heads prevailed.

The mothers circled the wagons and lead their daughters on a preemptive strike.  First, the league president addressed the entire team about team work and respecting one another.  Then, each mother did something unexpectedly, we gave our daughters the same advice.  It went something like this (please note that names have been changed to protect the jerk wads of the world).

Daughter (sobbing):  "Mom.  Little jerk wad is being mean to the girls when coach isn't looking.  He told me on the field that I suck and need to go home.  He said the team is losing because I can't play and he threatened to throw the baseball at me."

Mom (fuming):  "Well baby.  The next time that happens you have to tell the coach."

Daughter (sobbing): "But the coach isn't around.  And, if I tell, he will just get mad and do it more."

Mom (fuming x2): "Okay baby.  What do the other boys say when he does this."

Daughter (sobbing):  "They don't say anything, most of the time.  Sometimes one or two of them add to it."

Mom (seeing red):  "What do the other girls say when he is doing this?"

Daughter (sobbing): "They don't say anything because he does to them too."

Mom (light flashes on): "Okay honey.  Here is what you need to do.  When he starts speaking like this to you, or any of the girls again, you all have to stand up and tell him he's stupid.  Then you have to tell him he's just mad because he sucks and the girls are better than him.  Then tell him that nobody likes him and then stop talking to him altogether.  When he comes around, shun him.  Don't play with him, don't include him in your conversations.  But, you have to include all the other boys and make all the other boys your friends.  Then, when no other adult is looking ... tell him that if he ever threatens you again you are going to kick his butt."

lol ...  I know what many of you mothers are thinking.  How can I give my child advice that promotes violence.  And, what if he hurt her?

In truth, my daughter is not aggressive and would never have threatened that little boy.  However, she didn't have to.  The girls united and the other boys followed suit.  Their collective unity caused enough peer pressure to stop this little monster in his tracks.  I suspect one or two of the other little girls actually threatened to beat him up. 

At the end of the day.  My baby learned that he was jealous of her because she was a solid ball player.  And, he was embarrassed because he played with so many girls.  Even though their team performed well and won a fair amount of games.

Later in the season, his mother came up to me and engaged in casual conversation.  She started by saying, "Your daughter is good.  Do you practice with her?"  She then asked why my daughter wasn't playing softball with the girls.

Really?  My response, "She wants to play baseball."

One day at school his father approached me to talk.  He made a statement as if it were an after-thought or some realization, "Your daughter is in the third grade.  She's older than the other kids on the team." 

I understood in that moment he was trying to justify why she was better than his son, so I smiled and refusing to give him the satisfaction, I said,  "She started school early.  She's the same age as your son."

This little snot was the spawn of ignorant misogynistic people.  It takes big monsters to breed little monsters. 

So I looked in the mirror and was so glad Ari and the other little girls were able to work out their issues with out their Momma Bears breeding new bullies!

BATTER UP ARI!  Make Daddy's Louisville Proud!

Do You Have a Favorite?

Do you have a favorite child?  Should you feel guilty if you tend to like one child more than another? What about your spouse?  Recently Giuliana Rancic has been criticized for declaring that she puts her marriage before her child.  Many critics have ostracized her for ranking her love of her husband higher than her love for child. However I can't say I disagree.

Can you really rank the measure of your love?  I love my parents and siblings on a completely different level than my husband and children.  However, if anything were to happen to any of them I would be just devastated.  So what does that mean? Is it possible to measure the level of your grief? 

I ask these questions because I am having family time with my little ones.  My daughter has decided that she needed time with her mother all by herself, away from her daddy and brother.  We needed girl time.  Well that allowed my son and husband to have one-on-one time to do whatever it is that guys do. 

At the thought of this isolated time my son began to protest.  He wanted time with his mommy first.  He cried harder at the idea that he had to spend time with his dad.  "I don't want him, I want you", Nate cried. 

I can't help but think this hurt my husbands feelings.  However, both kids tend to compete over time with their mom.  My husband tells me that I have been so busy over the past few years that they jump at the chance to spend time with me.  This revelation adds to my mommy guilt.  Am I too busy to spend quality time with the kids and is this adding to their constant need to compete for my attention?

Or, is there another answer.  Perhaps I am their favorite.  Maybe they just like spending time with me more than dad.

Now panic is starting to take over.  I am having a hard time with trying to balance time with my son, daughter and husband.  Who comes first, the rooster or the eggs?   I want to spend time with my husband and work on our relationship, but that's hard to do when my four-year-old is playing with my face like its an origami hand puppet. 

Do I love my kids more than my husband?  Is that possible?  Do I spend enough time with my husband so that we are showing our kids that we have a committed relationship and mutual love for one another above all others?

I needed answers and decided to ask the kids.

Interview with Nate:

Question: Nathan I am going to ask you a very serious question? Are you listening?

Answer: Yes. 

Question: I need to know from you, what makes a good mommy and daddy? 

Answer: "You have to be kind to each other, and nice and respectful to each other.  Mommy and daddy don't fight each other or don't spank each other.   They have to be nice to little kids and God too.  They love each other, and hug each other and kiss on the cheek."

Question: Ariana should parents love each other more than their kids?

Answer: "I can't make that decision because I don't know.  Parents should like each other more than the kids, because you guys made us and we wouldn't be here if you didn't like each other.  That's just my idea."

The Resolve:

I guess I am worried for no reason.  My kids have taught me that the relationship I have with my husband is a blessing to them.  They aren't competing for their dad's attention.  They are watching us and learning from us.  Deep sigh.....now on to the next hurdle!

My Third-Grader is Being Bullied: What Can a Parent Do to Help?

Prior "Gun Violence" with the Sandy Hook school shooting, "Bullying" was the buzz word in mainstream media.  There have been a number teens and young adults committing suicide because they have been teased or tormented by peers.  I would assume some of these people (in extreme cases) have also turned to gun violence and mass shootings, taking frustrations out on their peers.

However how these atrocities emerge in our society and become household discussions on a national level is beyond me.  But I can't help but think somewhere a parent may have missed their opportunity to help their child.   I am not pointing fingers and I am not dismissing that some of these people may have had serious mental conditions that required professional help. 

Yet as a mother, my daughter has turned to me in great despair because she's being bullied at school.  And no, I am at point where I have to decide what is the best course of action so that she will have a positive and productive childhood.

Can I fight my child's battle?

I must admit I am tempted to go after anyone that would hurt my child.   I know I can't fight a fourth-grader.  I understand that he is a child as well.  I also understand that if another adult (who I don't know) tried to discipline my child I would see a different color of red and have whole other set of social issues.  As well as the school has a responsibility to protect all the children in attendance and if I did seek this kid out that could cause another legal discussion.  So, I can't approach the kid for socially acceptable reasons. 

But what happened to our society?  Why do we protect bad behavior?  We use to know when wrong was wrong.  We use to call out bad people, bad behavior and identify when correction was needed.  Now, we have all these different perspectives.  People saying, you don't know what this person or that person is going through.  Or, you don't know their side of the story.

I know my side, and here it goes.  No one should put his or her hands on anyone else with the purpose of trying to control their behavior.  No one should extort another with the purpose of trying to control his or her behavior.  No one should be allowed to call another names to make themselves feel better (especially in elementary school).

Training for life?

While I have my rules, reality sets in and tells me that my daughter must learn how to navigate this bully.  She has to learn how to stand up for herself.  She has to learn not to be intimidated by his antics.  She has to learn to not be concerned with what he thinks of her. 

This is my challenge as a parent.  She feels all these things.  She can't concentrate on homework.  She's debilitated at home and only wants to be held.  Her stomach is nervous and last night she had to sleep with me.  I had to hold her most of the night.   She has a natural inclination to help others and maintain peace.  Unfortunately other students have seen this as weakness and have attacked her.

I am at a lost?

I had a rough upbringing which essentially stomped out all of my innocence and left me a hard core fighter.  I fight over small issues. A fact that just wears my husband down. There's no wonder why I became a lawyer. 

I know what she's feeling, but I don't know how to advise her.  I don't want her to fight like I did.  I don't want her to lose that lovely spirit.  I don't want her to be angry and mean.  But I don't want her to be a victim either.

I would love her to learn a balance, but how do I teach her that, being slight off-balance myself. 

To be continued.......

I am seeking advice and need help from other parents.  Have you gone through something similar?  What steps have you taken and how have they worked? 

Kids Lie, Cheat & Steal!: How Can You Raise Children to be Accountable for Their Actions?

            At some point in our life, we have all met children that we have personally branded "infamous terrors". You know those children that are mean, spiteful, egregious and lacking in accountability. I have often wondered how do children get this way? Who taught them their behavior is acceptable?

            When I was a younger-childless-woman, mothers would tell me that I'll have a different perspective when I’m a mother. They would say, “when they are your children you will not be so judgmental”. I disagreed then with that sentiment and I whole heartedly disagree now.

            Though I was the youngest of my siblings for the first 14-years of my life, I helped raise my little brother who came along.  And prior to his birth, my mother cared for many children.  I knew before having kids that parents had to pick and choose their battles.  I understood early on that babies had willful-stubborn natures and knew how to manipulate their parents.  I watched children who were spoiled, smart, cunning, sweet, and some abused.  They all had a common ground, they needed love, honesty and accountability.  Not just for their own behavior but for the behavior of the adults around them.  This means that adults must admit to their children when they are wrong and hold themselves accountable for their own mistakess.

            There are just some behaviors we can't afford to allow our children to get away with. Unfortunately far too many parents are blind to this reality. Recently, I have been reflecting on the importance of ACCOUNTABILITY.

            It seems more and more I have come across adults who refuse to see their own faults, opting rather to engage in the ongoing practice of deflection. Whether it be in the office, professional environments or social settings the increase in finger-pointing is just astounding.

             I have heard and watched adults say, "It's not my fault", "I didn't do it", "I only work here", or my favorite "That's not my job". What we lack in our world today is ACCOUNTABILITY.  People no longer feel responsible to do a good job.  They are no longer responsible for customer service.  They also lack ownership of our own actions and the importance of solving the problems presented rather than deflecting the cause.

            Because of this growing trend of "spinning wheels" I am left wondering what can be done? Who will be the one to jump off of the wheel and say enough is enough?  More than that, why is society bending toward the wills of the unaccountable?
 
            As a parent, my job is to train my children to be valuable contributors to our society. I also have the awesome responsibility to acknowledge my flaws and do my best not to impugn them onto my issue. To accomplish this goal, I must also see my children for their flaws.  I would be doing my kids and our society a great disservice if I didn't correct them for their bad behavior and require them to own-up to their mishaps.

            Case in point, this past week my youngest took me by surprise and proved to me how, despite my best efforts, he’ll take an opportunity to lie and steal for his own gain. While shopping at our local Kohl’s he came across a Spiderman toy that he wanted. I told him, "No, we couldn't afford the toy at this time." After making our purchase and leaving the store, I noticed that he was hiding something behind his back while trying to get in the car.  You guessed it, it was the Spiderman toy.

            Immediately, without saying a word I pointed to the store and marched him back in.  I told him that he had stolen and when caught thieves can go to jail.  I then instructed him to return to the toy back to the cashier. Through the midst of his cries and humiliation it occurred to me that he needed to own up to his actions.  I couldn't allow this opportunity to pass without making him aware that he had to acknowledge what he had done and expose his own deceitful nature.  So, I made him stand in front of all the waiting customers and tell the cashier what he had done.

            "I stole!" He exclaimed, in between sobs. He began to cry harder and made a dash for the door. As we were walking out of the store I added salt to his wounds by declaring that I was going to tell Daddy what he had done.  That statement renewed his sobbing and the entire way home I heard his pleas, "Mommy, please don't tell Daddy! I promise I won't steal again!"

            The funny thing is, I discipline the kids to a greater degree than my husband. I also never placed a hand on my son. Forcing him to acknowledge his behavior before strangers was more effective than any spanking or time-out he could have gotten. I believe this experience is one that he will not easily forget.

            A week before this incident I personally experienced what I considered to be an example of the tragic state of our societies lack of ACCOUNTABILITY, and a glowing example of the root of that behavior.  For the past ten-years I have been member of a non-profit organization and have volunteered in a number of ways.  Recently I have focused my energies toward developing a program for young adults to teach them, among other things, professional skills.  As I was inviting various members to take part in this pilot program, I was met with a total lack of respect from the daughter of woman I have known for years. This young lady (who is probably fifteen-years younger than I and who I have watched grow into the young adult that she is) responded to my invitation by rolling her eyes, turning her back away from me and walking away.When I asked why she responded in that way she stated, "Because I can."

            I was immediately taken back by her response and instantly had to balance my instinct to set her straight, with the idea that she is a young adult and no longer the child I remember.  I rationalized that I know her mother and have a working relationship and respect for her family so I opted to speak with her mother before addressing this issue further.

            When I asked her mother why her daughter essentially went off on me (as in off the deep end), her mother's response was, "That's right I told my daughter to check any adult that tried to check her."  Instantly I thought who would tell their child to intentionally disrespect someone else, especially someone much older than her. 

            Then I got angry. I was angry because this mother didn't know what was said to her child. She didn't know that I was offering a benefit to her child.  She didn't know the details of the discussion.  She didn't know anything more than her child had offended me.  The mother's response told me that her daughter was right.  She could respond negatively to people because she was trained to do so, after all her mother taught her to act that way.  
           
            I explained that I was inviting her daughter to a class.  She then began to justify her daughter’s behavior by saying she needed a particular type of class that the organization hadn’t provided in the past.  I explained that we are forming a new program tailored to her daughter’s needs.  To which she had not real response. 

            I was than angry because I found it a tragedy that a parent would teach their child to act in a way that caused others to dislike her.  It was tragedy that a parent would set-up a child to burn bridges in her life.  This was a tragedy because this parent justified her child's bad behavior without seeking truth and appropriateness.  And it is a further tragedy that this parent will continue to stand by their child’s ill-mannered behavior (the same behavior she taught her child to express) rather than see her flaws and the flaws of her child.

            I say this because many people that respond badly to others do so because they were taught that behavior was appropriate.  Or, they do so because no one taught them such behavior is unacceptable.  What happened to our village?  What happened to our social graces?  What happened to our ACCOUNTABILITY?

            Maybe this mother meant to teach her child to stand-up for herself.  Maybe she wanted her child to be strong and assertive.  But if that’s the case why didn’t she teach her child to consider the circumstance and determine the appropriateness of her behavior.  Why didn’t this mother take that approach herself.  After learning that her child wasn’t accosted, why didn’t this mother address the offense and correct her behavior?  Why did she spend the rest of her time justifying her dogmatic, though wrong, position in an effort to justify her daughter’s reaction?

            If we all spend so much time pointing fingers at others to justify our own bad behavior what will our world become.  I could have easily ignored that my son took that toy.  I could have blamed the store's sensors for not properly working.  I could have said, “He’s four.  Four-year-olds don’t understand their actions.  I could have taken the toy back and spared him the embarrassment.  I could have privately chastised him".  I could of dealt with the issue by myself and never told his father.  But what good would that have done for him. If I didn't hold him ACCOUNTABLE for his own actions I would have failed him as a parent.

            When I see people that make excuses for that bad behavior I see failure in them and in their parents, guardians, and mentors. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes honesty and ACCOUNTABILITY to hold those children to their word. I have learned before I had children that they lie, they cheat, and they steal. I have learned after I have had children that I am ACCOUNTABLE if I never teach my children the value of their word, their reputation and their honest dealings with others.  Yes, children (even when they are adults) will be who they are.  But I never want it to be said that they I didn’t teach mine these core lessons of life.