My Third-Grader is Being Bullied: What Can a Parent Do to Help?

Prior "Gun Violence" with the Sandy Hook school shooting, "Bullying" was the buzz word in mainstream media.  There have been a number teens and young adults committing suicide because they have been teased or tormented by peers.  I would assume some of these people (in extreme cases) have also turned to gun violence and mass shootings, taking frustrations out on their peers.

However how these atrocities emerge in our society and become household discussions on a national level is beyond me.  But I can't help but think somewhere a parent may have missed their opportunity to help their child.   I am not pointing fingers and I am not dismissing that some of these people may have had serious mental conditions that required professional help. 

Yet as a mother, my daughter has turned to me in great despair because she's being bullied at school.  And no, I am at point where I have to decide what is the best course of action so that she will have a positive and productive childhood.

Can I fight my child's battle?

I must admit I am tempted to go after anyone that would hurt my child.   I know I can't fight a fourth-grader.  I understand that he is a child as well.  I also understand that if another adult (who I don't know) tried to discipline my child I would see a different color of red and have whole other set of social issues.  As well as the school has a responsibility to protect all the children in attendance and if I did seek this kid out that could cause another legal discussion.  So, I can't approach the kid for socially acceptable reasons. 

But what happened to our society?  Why do we protect bad behavior?  We use to know when wrong was wrong.  We use to call out bad people, bad behavior and identify when correction was needed.  Now, we have all these different perspectives.  People saying, you don't know what this person or that person is going through.  Or, you don't know their side of the story.

I know my side, and here it goes.  No one should put his or her hands on anyone else with the purpose of trying to control their behavior.  No one should extort another with the purpose of trying to control his or her behavior.  No one should be allowed to call another names to make themselves feel better (especially in elementary school).

Training for life?

While I have my rules, reality sets in and tells me that my daughter must learn how to navigate this bully.  She has to learn how to stand up for herself.  She has to learn not to be intimidated by his antics.  She has to learn to not be concerned with what he thinks of her. 

This is my challenge as a parent.  She feels all these things.  She can't concentrate on homework.  She's debilitated at home and only wants to be held.  Her stomach is nervous and last night she had to sleep with me.  I had to hold her most of the night.   She has a natural inclination to help others and maintain peace.  Unfortunately other students have seen this as weakness and have attacked her.

I am at a lost?

I had a rough upbringing which essentially stomped out all of my innocence and left me a hard core fighter.  I fight over small issues. A fact that just wears my husband down. There's no wonder why I became a lawyer. 

I know what she's feeling, but I don't know how to advise her.  I don't want her to fight like I did.  I don't want her to lose that lovely spirit.  I don't want her to be angry and mean.  But I don't want her to be a victim either.

I would love her to learn a balance, but how do I teach her that, being slight off-balance myself. 

To be continued.......

I am seeking advice and need help from other parents.  Have you gone through something similar?  What steps have you taken and how have they worked? 

Kids Lie, Cheat & Steal!: How Can You Raise Children to be Accountable for Their Actions?

            At some point in our life, we have all met children that we have personally branded "infamous terrors". You know those children that are mean, spiteful, egregious and lacking in accountability. I have often wondered how do children get this way? Who taught them their behavior is acceptable?

            When I was a younger-childless-woman, mothers would tell me that I'll have a different perspective when I’m a mother. They would say, “when they are your children you will not be so judgmental”. I disagreed then with that sentiment and I whole heartedly disagree now.

            Though I was the youngest of my siblings for the first 14-years of my life, I helped raise my little brother who came along.  And prior to his birth, my mother cared for many children.  I knew before having kids that parents had to pick and choose their battles.  I understood early on that babies had willful-stubborn natures and knew how to manipulate their parents.  I watched children who were spoiled, smart, cunning, sweet, and some abused.  They all had a common ground, they needed love, honesty and accountability.  Not just for their own behavior but for the behavior of the adults around them.  This means that adults must admit to their children when they are wrong and hold themselves accountable for their own mistakess.

            There are just some behaviors we can't afford to allow our children to get away with. Unfortunately far too many parents are blind to this reality. Recently, I have been reflecting on the importance of ACCOUNTABILITY.

            It seems more and more I have come across adults who refuse to see their own faults, opting rather to engage in the ongoing practice of deflection. Whether it be in the office, professional environments or social settings the increase in finger-pointing is just astounding.

             I have heard and watched adults say, "It's not my fault", "I didn't do it", "I only work here", or my favorite "That's not my job". What we lack in our world today is ACCOUNTABILITY.  People no longer feel responsible to do a good job.  They are no longer responsible for customer service.  They also lack ownership of our own actions and the importance of solving the problems presented rather than deflecting the cause.

            Because of this growing trend of "spinning wheels" I am left wondering what can be done? Who will be the one to jump off of the wheel and say enough is enough?  More than that, why is society bending toward the wills of the unaccountable?
 
            As a parent, my job is to train my children to be valuable contributors to our society. I also have the awesome responsibility to acknowledge my flaws and do my best not to impugn them onto my issue. To accomplish this goal, I must also see my children for their flaws.  I would be doing my kids and our society a great disservice if I didn't correct them for their bad behavior and require them to own-up to their mishaps.

            Case in point, this past week my youngest took me by surprise and proved to me how, despite my best efforts, he’ll take an opportunity to lie and steal for his own gain. While shopping at our local Kohl’s he came across a Spiderman toy that he wanted. I told him, "No, we couldn't afford the toy at this time." After making our purchase and leaving the store, I noticed that he was hiding something behind his back while trying to get in the car.  You guessed it, it was the Spiderman toy.

            Immediately, without saying a word I pointed to the store and marched him back in.  I told him that he had stolen and when caught thieves can go to jail.  I then instructed him to return to the toy back to the cashier. Through the midst of his cries and humiliation it occurred to me that he needed to own up to his actions.  I couldn't allow this opportunity to pass without making him aware that he had to acknowledge what he had done and expose his own deceitful nature.  So, I made him stand in front of all the waiting customers and tell the cashier what he had done.

            "I stole!" He exclaimed, in between sobs. He began to cry harder and made a dash for the door. As we were walking out of the store I added salt to his wounds by declaring that I was going to tell Daddy what he had done.  That statement renewed his sobbing and the entire way home I heard his pleas, "Mommy, please don't tell Daddy! I promise I won't steal again!"

            The funny thing is, I discipline the kids to a greater degree than my husband. I also never placed a hand on my son. Forcing him to acknowledge his behavior before strangers was more effective than any spanking or time-out he could have gotten. I believe this experience is one that he will not easily forget.

            A week before this incident I personally experienced what I considered to be an example of the tragic state of our societies lack of ACCOUNTABILITY, and a glowing example of the root of that behavior.  For the past ten-years I have been member of a non-profit organization and have volunteered in a number of ways.  Recently I have focused my energies toward developing a program for young adults to teach them, among other things, professional skills.  As I was inviting various members to take part in this pilot program, I was met with a total lack of respect from the daughter of woman I have known for years. This young lady (who is probably fifteen-years younger than I and who I have watched grow into the young adult that she is) responded to my invitation by rolling her eyes, turning her back away from me and walking away.When I asked why she responded in that way she stated, "Because I can."

            I was immediately taken back by her response and instantly had to balance my instinct to set her straight, with the idea that she is a young adult and no longer the child I remember.  I rationalized that I know her mother and have a working relationship and respect for her family so I opted to speak with her mother before addressing this issue further.

            When I asked her mother why her daughter essentially went off on me (as in off the deep end), her mother's response was, "That's right I told my daughter to check any adult that tried to check her."  Instantly I thought who would tell their child to intentionally disrespect someone else, especially someone much older than her. 

            Then I got angry. I was angry because this mother didn't know what was said to her child. She didn't know that I was offering a benefit to her child.  She didn't know the details of the discussion.  She didn't know anything more than her child had offended me.  The mother's response told me that her daughter was right.  She could respond negatively to people because she was trained to do so, after all her mother taught her to act that way.  
           
            I explained that I was inviting her daughter to a class.  She then began to justify her daughter’s behavior by saying she needed a particular type of class that the organization hadn’t provided in the past.  I explained that we are forming a new program tailored to her daughter’s needs.  To which she had not real response. 

            I was than angry because I found it a tragedy that a parent would teach their child to act in a way that caused others to dislike her.  It was tragedy that a parent would set-up a child to burn bridges in her life.  This was a tragedy because this parent justified her child's bad behavior without seeking truth and appropriateness.  And it is a further tragedy that this parent will continue to stand by their child’s ill-mannered behavior (the same behavior she taught her child to express) rather than see her flaws and the flaws of her child.

            I say this because many people that respond badly to others do so because they were taught that behavior was appropriate.  Or, they do so because no one taught them such behavior is unacceptable.  What happened to our village?  What happened to our social graces?  What happened to our ACCOUNTABILITY?

            Maybe this mother meant to teach her child to stand-up for herself.  Maybe she wanted her child to be strong and assertive.  But if that’s the case why didn’t she teach her child to consider the circumstance and determine the appropriateness of her behavior.  Why didn’t this mother take that approach herself.  After learning that her child wasn’t accosted, why didn’t this mother address the offense and correct her behavior?  Why did she spend the rest of her time justifying her dogmatic, though wrong, position in an effort to justify her daughter’s reaction?

            If we all spend so much time pointing fingers at others to justify our own bad behavior what will our world become.  I could have easily ignored that my son took that toy.  I could have blamed the store's sensors for not properly working.  I could have said, “He’s four.  Four-year-olds don’t understand their actions.  I could have taken the toy back and spared him the embarrassment.  I could have privately chastised him".  I could of dealt with the issue by myself and never told his father.  But what good would that have done for him. If I didn't hold him ACCOUNTABLE for his own actions I would have failed him as a parent.

            When I see people that make excuses for that bad behavior I see failure in them and in their parents, guardians, and mentors. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes honesty and ACCOUNTABILITY to hold those children to their word. I have learned before I had children that they lie, they cheat, and they steal. I have learned after I have had children that I am ACCOUNTABLE if I never teach my children the value of their word, their reputation and their honest dealings with others.  Yes, children (even when they are adults) will be who they are.  But I never want it to be said that they I didn’t teach mine these core lessons of life.